My dearest Moni,
This year it's been harder than other years to find time to write to you, but I don't want to skip any of the anniversaries of your passing. As I always say, I want those who knew you to stop for a few minutes to remember you on this day. The reason I've had little time this year is that two months ago I made you an aunt. Well, actually you were already an aunt, I've just added one more little niece to the list. It's a shame you never got to meet any of your nieces and nephews. As much as you loved children, I'm sure they would all have adored you. Rest assured that I'm going to tell my little girl a lot about her aunt, the one who watches over her from above.
I find it curious that a couple of years ago I started to fantasise about having a daughter and having a connection with you. In October last year, I'd say almost miraculously, I got pregnant with a girl. I still remember the moment I took the pregnancy test, I couldn't believe it when I saw the result. It was a mix of emotions. I was pregnant for the first time in my life, at 40. I don't know whether you've had something to do with this, but I like to think there's a connection between the two of you.
This year I was thinking about the fear I used to have of becoming a mother, worrying about how it would affect my career and how I'd stop travelling and enjoying life in general. The truth is that once you become a mother, you end up finding a way to make it all work. Somehow the planets align and nothing turns out as terrible as you'd imagined. Well, the sleepless nights and the poo explosions do 😊. I won't lie to you, there are moments when motherhood gets very hard, but there are other moments when an incredible feeling of love for that tiny little person washes over you, all you think about is protecting her. I can't stop looking at her, she's a little doll. She makes us laugh a lot (she also pushes our patience to the limit, I won't lie to you). Her daddy calls her Whitney Houston because she spends the day wailing. She's very funny with her gestures, her smiles and her little faces. The truth is I never had a burning need to be a mother, I think life still has meaning and that you can feel fulfilled even if you're not one, but now that I am, it seems to me that motherhood adds an extra layer of meaning to life. Before, I thought I could die in peace because I felt I'd already lived, I'd done almost all the things on my list. Now that I'm a mother, I feel I have a new mission in life, which is to guide a little creature so that she'll be happy. The idea of my daughter growing up without her mother terrifies me, so the thought that I can now go in peace absolutely never crosses my mind… I only think about protecting her and having a positive impact on her life.
I'm aware that everything could end tomorrow. I want to savour every day that passes with her and with Tosin. When one of us goes, I want to think that we made the most of the time we spent together as a family.
I send you a big kiss wherever you are. From here, we won't forget you.
Your sister, Cristina.