My dearest Moni,
Every year, while I write to you, I imagine you in front of me, looking at me. I imagine your face listening to every word. It's true that time heals everything and that, even though I remember you often, with the years I feel you further away. Sadness floods me when I think about it, but I don't know if it's a feeling you can fight. This letter helps me keep you tremendously present at least once a year. My eyes still fill with tears when I write it.
I remember that when you left, I resolved that I was going to stop living a life full of unfinished business. Since then you could say I've done almost everything I had in mind at that moment: I've lived in foreign countries, I've learned to speak English well, I've travelled a huge amount, I got my skydiving licence and my diving licence, I skied, I did skating marathons, I ran a 10km fun run in your honour, I've managed to become a digital nomad… and a long list of things… When I look back, I think my thirties were my best decade. In my forties I have other plans, but I'm very clear that if I go tomorrow, I won't leave with the feeling that I haven't lived. But don't be fooled, eh, at 40 I still have a great thirst for adventures.
This year I was thinking that it's already been more than 10 years since I left Valencia. I still remember the fear I felt of the unknown, panic at chasing my dreams, panic at going freelance and changing city. Now, so many years later, I take stock and I'm enormously glad of the decision I made, it was the start of a new life. So many good things have happened to me as a result. I think life is better when you take risks. You mustn't be afraid of making mistakes because the world doesn't end over a mistake and somehow you can always go back, to the comfort zone. I was also remembering when I left Spain, my first weeks in Germany. Years dreaming of living abroad, my great unfinished task, and when I finally did it, the first thing that came to mind was: "and now what?". Because that's how life is: for better or worse, you have to keep dreaming. In the end life is evolution, it's like a game and you have to enjoy the journey every day because you never know if tomorrow your hour will come. I'm sure you didn't imagine yours would come so soon, I still remember your impatience to get out of hospital because you had so many things to do outside. You never did them. We all have an expiry date, but none of us knows when, we don't carry it printed on us. We have no control over the moment we'll leave, but we do have control over how we live and the attitude we have each day. Do more of what makes you happy.
Years ago I listened to a TED talk where a little old Cuban man said that he thought that when we die, we'd be judged by how happy we'd been in life. He thought that was the reason we were here, to be happy. I loved that philosophy and decided to adopt it. Sometimes I think that thanks to the risks I took back then, I'm living the life of my dreams. There are days when I feel I could burst with happiness and that scares me, I'm afraid of waking up one day and seeing that my life isn't real. You have to celebrate every day because we're alive, you have to enjoy every step we take on the path to reaching our next dream and when we lose our positivity, you have to stop and take stock of all the good things we have and the ones we've already achieved. You have to be grateful for each and every one of them. It's better to value and enjoy them while you have them than to wait to lose them to appreciate them. Happiness reaches each of us in different ways, but for me happiness is the feeling of feeling good and at peace with yourself and with how you live your life. Living with the feeling that you're letting life pass you by, living with regrets or thinking that if you die tomorrow you haven't lived the life you wanted, for me that isn't happiness.
I don't know what you'll think of the things I tell you, I don't know whether you've had something to do with all the good things that have happened to me during these years. For that, and for being my friend and sister when you were here, I thank you. I send you a great big kiss from the deepest part of my heart.
Cristina